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I'm going to keep asking myself how this happens, but I already know the answer - BMW shop rates, that's how. Original shocks obviously, so dead that they don't do anything other than let you pull the piston in or out with ease. Every corner of this thing was springs-only, unbelievable if someone was actually driving this thing.
Replaced with the obligatory Bilstein B4 OE replacement.
More tips, as there's zero information on working on an E84 X1 available. Anything I can do so that someone else doens't have to endure the agony that we did has to give me positive karma...
- You cannot get the front struts out / in with the lower tie rod end attached! You have to remove the tie rod end from the spindle, which will allow the front suspension to fully extend, and then the strut will come out. You will need a tie rod end remover / spreader cuz this guy is really in there, and an impact gun is a nice-to-have. Don't even attempt without the correct tools. Rent them if you need to.
- On an old rusty install, the end of the strut won't want to come out. Once the lower strut jam bolt is removed, you have to spread the housing apart. Some people say they use a 3/8" to 1/4" adapter and turn it, but I didn't want to put that much initial pressure on it. A tapered steel punch works fine. Spreading it sufficiently will alleviate the need to beat on it with a sledgehammer.
- ON AN XDRIVE THE HALFSHAFT WILL FALL OUT OF THE TRANSFER CASE WHEN THE SUSPENSION DROPS. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T SPIN THE HALFSHAFT. BE NICE TO IT, AND JUST PUT IT BACK IN PLACE. You'll feel if it's not going in, and can see the inner boot twisted if it's been moved. DO NOT pound on this to get the shaft back in.
- Assembly is fairly straight-forward once it's apart; just mind the halfshaft.
Now the ride is great; not super-stiff, but what I would expect. On to the next issue!